Here's a thought....

Excerpts from Hugs for Single Moms

2007-01-17T07:28:00.000+08:00

"Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

As a single mom you may be one of the greatest tightrope walkers who ever lived. Even you don't know how you manage to balance and juggle so many things. Nor do you know how you can be so many things to so many people. You take multitasking to a whole new level. Yet somehow you make it look easy, for there is a grace in your life.

It's OK to feel like taking a bow at the next Academy Awards ceremony. We'd all like to see the most accomplished actress try to pull off your role. You laugh when you feel like crying. You're strong though you feel weak. You allow others to lean on you when you'd like - just for a little while - to do some leaning yourself.

It would be fun, though, to sometimes change circumstances: to never again have to worry about bouncing a check or making the mortgage payment. It would be nice to have someone else clean your refrigerator, buy your groceries, and mop your floors.

But it's doubtful you'd ever consider changing roles: not with Donald Trump or Bill Gates, in spite of their mansions and millions. Because they have never been, nor will they ever become, a mother. For all its difficulties and challenges, yours is the role you were created to fill. You are the leading lady on the stage of your child's life, and that's worth everything. Go ahead.......take a bow.

It's easy, when you've been hurt, to put up walls to guard your emotions and protect you from pain. The problem is that sometimes it backfires. While walls might keep certain types of pain at bay, they can also block opportunities for joy. They can keep you from seeing the great gift of each new day and the blessing of rich, new relationships.

Sure, it's tough when disappointment hardens your heart and pain adds another layer of doubt and distrust. There's wisdom in protecting yourself - to a point. But the defenses that keep out hurt can also hinder real intimacy with others. They can cause you to keep your emotional distance and even hold back a part of your heart God intended for your children.

There is a time to mourn. There is a time to heal. There is a time to rejoice in new beginnnings. The key is allowing God to impart the wisdom for each new season in its proper time. Don't think for a minute He isn't working for and with you. Even now He is softening your heart and making it new. He's all about healing and restoration.

So don't let fear hold you back from a fabulous future. God formed you in your mother's womb. He has a plan to give you hope. He's giving it to you now, because you are God's great gift to others.

Dear Mr. President

2007-01-11T07:33:00.000+08:00

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions
if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

-Pink-

New year....new beginning?

2007-01-09T08:18:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year is still more than a month away. Awal Muharam is around the corner. So the new year that we are celebrating is 2007..

Made your resolutions yet? I actually tried to write mine down this year. It's supposed to be better that way. I guess that's true. Writing stuff down makes them a little clearer and in order.

Amazingly, I actually have tangible resolutions this year. Concrete. Achievable but a challenge nonetheless.

Harith will be turning 5 this month. Since one of my resolutions is to concentrate on the NOW (rather than dwell on the past and sigh on the future, duh!), I've planned to fill his days with exploratory activities. He's enrolled in Taekwando, swimming classes, music lessons and his regular kindi classes which now includes mandarin lesson over and above the computer and Iqra' classes that he's already signed up for. Harith is a ball of energy and seems to have an endless supply of it. He's thriving on all these activities and so far so good..

He's got a concert coming up at the end of the month at the Civic Center and I'll bet that will be a thrill to watch.

As for myself, I've been a little more adventurous.....trying new things and venturing into new territories. I'm both excited and a little apprehensive. I have been stuck in a rut and complacent for far too long. I have spent too much time in my comfort zone and been missing on too many opportunities.

This is the time. I am all set now for Hijrah. My seatbelts are buckled and I am ready to SOAR.....

If Everyone Cared

2006-09-29T09:57:00.000+08:00

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you’d be mine
But here we are, we’re here tonight

Singing Amen, I’m alive
Singing Amen, I’m alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And I’m singing

Amen I, I’m alive
Amen I, I’m alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We’ll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I’m alive
Singing Amen I’m alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died

We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day when nobody died

Nickelback

Far Away

2006-09-29T09:42:00.000+08:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Nickelback

What I was grateful for yesterday

2006-06-21T07:41:00.000+08:00

1. The early morning rain.

2. The silence and calmness of the office before 8 am.

3. The hug I got from my 4-year-old son when I got back from work.

4. The delicious dinner my mum cooked.

5. The cool feeling of my plump pillow before I fell asleep.

Thank you

2006-05-17T07:35:00.000+08:00

The words below were sent to me via email by a really good friend of mine and I would like to share it with you.....

By Oprah Winfrey

I live in the space of thankfulness - and I have been rewarded a million times over for it. I started out giving thanks for small things, and the more thankful I became, the more my bounty increased.That's because what you focus on expands, and when you focus on the goodness in your life, you create more of it.

Opportunities,relationships, even money flowed my way when I learned to be grateful no matter what happened in my life.

"Say thank you!" Those words from my friend and mentor Maya Angelou turned my life around.

One day about ten years ago, I was sitting in my bathroom with the door closed and the toilet lid down, booing and ahooing on the phone so uncontrollably that I was incoherent.

"Stopit! Stop it right now ! and say thank you!" Maya chided. "But - you don't understand," I sobbed. To this day, I can't remember what it was that had me so far gone, which only proves the point Maya was trying tomake.

"I do understand," she told me. "I want to hear you say it now. Outloud. 'Thank you.'" Tentatively, I repeated it: "Thank you - but what am I saying thank you for?"

"You're saying thank you," Maya said, "because your faith is so strong that you don't doubt that whatever the problem, you'll get through it.You're saying thank you because you know that even in the eye of the storm, God has put a rainbow in the clouds. You're saying thank you because you know there's no problem created that can compare to the Creator of all things. Say thank you!"

So I did - and still do. Only now I do it every day. I kept a gratitude journal, as Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests in Simple Abundance, listing at least five things that I'm grateful for. My list includes small pleasures: the feel of Kentucky bluegrass under my feet (like damp silk); a walk in the woods with all nine of my dogs and my cocker spaniel Sophie trying to keep up; cooking fried green tomatoes with Stedman and eating them while they're hot; reading a good book and knowing another awaits.And when I feel that life is hard, all I have to do is read my gratitude journal. IT truly helps.

My thank-you list also includes things too important to take for granted: an "okay" mammogram, friends who love me, 15 years at the same job (and loving it more than the first day I started), a chance to share my vision for a better life, staying centered, having financial security. I won't kid you, having money for all the things I want is a blessing.

But as I look back over my journals, which I've kept since Iwas 15 years old, 99 per cent of what brought me real joy had nothingto do with money . (It had a lot to do with food, however.)

It's not easy being grateful all the time. But it's when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can giveyou:PERSPECTIVE.

Just knowing you have that daily list to complete allows you to look at your day differently, with an awareness of every sweet gesture and kind thought passed your way. When you learn to say thank you, you see the world anew.

And as Meister Eckhart so eloquently Stated:"If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'Thank you', that would suffice."

**

So here's my thank you to the world. To all those who have been there for me and have come in and out of my life, however brief it may have been, thank you from the bottom of my heart.....

Islam and me

2006-03-15T07:44:00.000+08:00

I was born into Islam. I was lucky enough to have Muslim parents. I definitely took being a Muslim for granted. Just because you were born a Muslim doesn't make you a Muslim. Of that I am certain.

Growing up, Islam was always a part of my life, but more in the background. I learned the 5 prayers when I was seven but didn't really understand the significance of them. I went for Quran reading classes at a really early age, but since my Ustazah kept falling asleep while teaching, my mind was more on the playground than the Quranic verses.

Islam in the 80s was not as prominent as it is today. Public schools then were not really proponents of the faith. Religious class was a class muslim students were obligated to take but no real emphasis was ever given to the true significance of Islam.

I consider myself lucky that I made the decision to go to boarding school when I was 16. The reason was definitely not to delve deeper into Islam, but more for independence purposes. Being the only daughter, I wanted to venture out on my own and away from the protective cocoon my parents created for me.

To my utter amazement, Islam was not a mere class at boarding school, it was a way of life. Every facet of your everyday life is Islam. From the instant you wake up until you go to sleep, Allah is never far from your mind. I learned so much....not from the teachers.....but from the other students. They were the greatest teachers because they do not preach. They also do not look down on you. They teach by example and by having me join them. Religion is not spoken in a formal setting, but more after a good game of netball, or during a walk by the beautiful lake or even late at night, right before we all fell asleep.

I had finally found my faith. I had finally found my true religion. And at the ripe old age of 16 to boot. Oh, well, better late than never.....

One day at a time....

2006-03-08T16:09:00.000+08:00

I am feeling very sad all of a sudden. I get this feeling now and then but I'm usually able to shake it off in a few hours. But this time around, it has been going on for 3 whole days.

I felt it for a while after returning from Hajj, a displaced feeling. I was home but home felt different. I was surrounded by people I love but a sense of loss was overwhelming me. I was missing Makkah so much. I tried to recapture the peace I felt while I was there. I eventually settled down and realized that all I needed to do was to pray or to read the Quran and I would feel closer to God. The peace returned and life went on.

But last Sunday, I took my son to a birthday party. My friend's son just turned 3. I've known this friend of mine for almost 15 years. We were in school together. The party was sort of a mini reunion because she invited some of our old schoolmates as well. They all came with their husbands and their kids........I came with Harith....

I tried not to let things like that get to me....but this time around......it got to me. I saw the way Harith looked at the other kids playing with both their parents and I felt a tugging on my heart. I would give an arm and a leg to make sure my son is happy...and I would try and get him the moon if he asked for it.......but I cannot give him a set of parents, which I think he secretly craves....

I would get back together with his father in a second if I thought it was the right thing to do......but I've done a lot of soul-searching and unfortunately, that is no longer an option. That ship has sailed....

So, here I am, three days later, still not able to solve this problem. I thought if I laid everything down and looked at the facts, I may be able to sort things out....

I suppose this will not be something I can solve overnight. I need to make Harith understand that our situation is not that bad. He actually gets to spend every other weekend with his father and fortunately, his father is very keen to be involved in Harith's life. So that part's good.

I hope this overwhelming feeling will subside soon. I'll take each day as it comes. The birthday party was not a really good day, but here's what I am grateful for that day:

1. That I got to meet up with old friends and reminisce old times.

2. That I got to see how the other kids Harith's age behave and made me realize that Harith's tantrums and occasional antics are not uncommon at all.

3. That I have a wonderful son who I can take to cute little birthday parties.

I'm sure Harith and I will get through this..........one day at a time......

Pictures from Hajj

2006-03-01T09:22:00.000+08:00

The Prophet's City

2006-02-13T11:03:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah.....I have made in home safely......from a journey of a lifetime....so much to say...so many tales to tell, experiences to record.......I don't even know where to begin....

I have been back for 13 days now and life around me, in a sense, has not changed. But somehow, things look different.....I can't explain it.....they just are.....

I have chosen to first write about Madinah Al-Munawarrah, the Prophet's City simply because I was there last before making my way to Jeddah for the flight home....

To visit Madinah is not a Hajj or Umrah rite, but the unique merits of the Prophet’s city, his Mosque and his sacred tomb attract every pilgrim to visit it. There is no Ihram nor talbiyah for the visit to Madinah or the Prophet’s Mosque.

Madinah is situated in central Hejaz. Red Sea is towards the west and Makkah is about 200 miles to the south.

Madinah was called Yathrib before Hijrah and came to be known as Taybah or Madinah. The Prophet (peace be upon him) had great love for this city. He once said that "There is a cure for every disease in the dust of Madinah" (Al-Targhib).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) himself participated in the construction of His mosque, called it "My Mosque" and led prayers in it for years. He has also said that a salah performed in the Prophet’s Mosque is better than a thousand salats in any other place except Masjid al-Haram in Makkah.

According to Hazrat Anas, the Prophet (peace be upon him) has also said:

"The person who offers 40 prayers consecutively in my Mosque, without missing a prayer in between, will secure immunity from the fire of Hell and other torments and also from hypocrisy." (Musnad Ahmad)

I was sitting by the window in my room one afternoon in Madinah, watching the dwindling crowd of people returning from the Asar solah.

The sky was a vivid blue with no clouds at all. The air was serene, the atmosphere quiet. I could faintly hear the calls from the street vendors, urging people to buy their wares.

I could see women in their varied garbs and men in their jubahs. Buses carrying people from Mekah were slowly making their way to their respective hotels. Other buses were going in the opposite direction, taking pilgrims home.

I was completely at peace, contented, not worrying that I had a pile of clothes to wash before the next day or that I had to rush if I wanted to get a good spot in the mosque for Maghrib and Isyak. My roommates were urging me to get ready but I just wanted to savour for the briefest of moment......the City of the Prophet which will forever have a place in my heart....

Hajj of the Heart

2005-12-22T08:14:00.000+08:00

The Hajj is an inward journey to the Ka'bah of the heart and soul

The Hajj consists of the Hajj of the Body (walking, standing, collecting and throwing), the Hajj of the Mind (performing the rites with understanding) and the Hajj of the Heart (performed in total submission to The Almighty)

The Ka'bah is not the destination; it is the starting point of one's commitment to cast away one's bad ways and to begin afresh a new Allah-centred life

In tawaf, the pilgrim is like a drop of water that has become part of the river that is flowing to its origin, the ocean of Eternity. This life is a journey of return to The Merciful

Sa'ee makes one aware that the Allah-centred life must be filled with "effort" (meaning of sa'ee). It is effort anchored in complete submission to Allah The Merciful that will bring the right results, just as it did for a mother who ran several times from one end of the valley to another in search of water in the harsh desert environment

When the pilgrim leaves the Ka'bah in the direction of Arafah to begin his Hajj, he is moving away from The House to meet The Lord of The House. Arafat is outside the boundary of The Holy Land (Haram), signifying that The Lord of The House is everywhere, and is closer to man than he is to his own jugular vein. [The Holy Qur'an, 50:16]

Excerpts from Hajj of the Heart by Dr Y Mansoor Marican, Ph. D.

Change

2005-12-20T07:46:00.000+08:00

If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can't break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?

How bad how good does it need to get?
How many losses how much regret?
What chain reaction
What cause and effect
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget
Makes you change

If you knew that you would be alone
Knowing right being wrong
Would you change
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings a pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent
If it comes to blow
Are you so sure you won't be crawling
If not for the good why risk falling

If everything you think you know
Makes your life unbearable
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?

Tracy Chapman

Fire Drill at TM

2005-12-13T21:06:00.000+08:00

Yup, we had a fire drill today at the office. Fortunately for me, I was told by a little tweety bird ahead of time, so I was able to take the elevator down from the 20th floor 5 minutes before the alarm went off. I've already had the experience of going down 20 flight of stairs once and I was definitely not going to go through that again.

I mean, I do get on the treadmill now and then when I get a chance so I'm not tooo out of shape but going down the stairwell in your office attire with hundreds other people is not something I would like to do again. By the time I got to the ground floor, my knees felt like jelly and I swear if someone just nudged me a little, I would fall flat on the floor.

So, today, I was leisurely walking towards the gathering area waiting for the rest of the tenants to start making their way down. In the time it took to get everyone down, something occured to me....

Yes, we laugh and gripe about the waste of time the whole fire drill thing is, but the truth of the matter is, we now live in dangerous times. No country is safe and no one is immune to the threat of terrorism. From Bali to London and from grandmothers to babies, everyone is a target. We need to constantly be alert. We need to be aware of the various safety procedures, where to go, who to call and how to survive.

Even in the fire drill today, we had several casualties. There was a woman who was 8 months pregnant and decided to walk down 29 flight of stairs (???!!??). She ended up with cramps and was treated by the paramedics who were on standby. I wonder what became of her..

There were also several people who threw up due to exhaustion and heat. It was a good thing that it wasn't too hot, by Malaysian standards, that is.

I, on the other hand, went in search of water, thinking at the same time... what if this was the real deal and we had a bomb threat on our hands, or even worse, a bomb went off in the building. It's not like TM hasn't received any bomb threats in the last couple of months....

When you think of the scary possibilities, you would inevitably start to comtemplate life and wonder why we keep bothering ourselves with the small stuff. We keep forgetting that life is short. We keep making long term plans, keep stalling on our dreams and we always seem to think that tomorrow is a sure thing.

One thing is definitely for sure in life and that is NOTHING is for sure. I keep telling myself to live in the now, savour the moment......but I keep forgetting! I continue to stall, continue to procrastinate and continue to assume things can wait till tomorrow....hiyah, sometimes a little drill like today can bring out such weird thoughts.

By the way, the photo is of a London Fire Engine and NO, it was not at TM today. It was just a picture I had stored somewhere in this dilapidated PC.

Sure Heboh??

2005-12-12T08:28:00.000+08:00

Here's a question, why is the TV3's Sure Heboh Carnival soooo popular? I have never been to one so I cannot provide an informed opinion. If I happened to turn the tv on and there's coverage on the goings on at the carnival, I might spend a few minutes watching it....but I don't think I would ever make a concerted effort to actually go. The carnival and me both lead separate and exclusive existence, never converging on the same plane.......until last night.

My family and I were on our way back from KLIA, heading home, after an exhausting weekend in Langkawi. It was really ironic....we were scheduled to take the 9 pm flight out of Langkawi but managed to squeeze into the 5 pm flight, which delighted my brother, who had plans later on in the evening.

The irony lies in the fact that as we were making good time heading home, we were hit with a HUGE traffic jam just as we exited the Batu 3 toll, heading into Shah Alam. We were initially baffled. Sunday evening and a traffic jam? The taxi we were in did not move for a solid five minutes before a thought occured to all of us! Could it be? Is it possible?.....No way!!! But it makes complete sense! The road leading into Shah Alam from the Batu 3 toll happens to also be the road leading into the Shah Alam stadium, where the Sure Heboh concert was going to be! Holy fishbones! We were doomed!

With that realization, we all resigned ourselves to be in the car for a long while...My son was getting restless, my mom had a huge headache, my brother's stomach was giving indications that a trip to the loo will be required soon, my dad was hungry and I was just plain cranky.

We were practically moving about 10 metres every 10 minutes. Cars were parked everywhere. The federal highway was also jammed coming from both directions. Mind you, it was raining pretty heavily.

I suppose it just goes to show the lengths Malaysians were willing to go to get to a free concert. As we finally made it through the maze of cars, we could see families with strollers and little children making their way to the stadium under multi-coloured umbrellas, not even the least bothered by the crowd or the rain.

I, personally, would opt for the coziness and comfort of my own living room any day than trudging through that mess. As soon as we got home, I jumped into the shower and got my son cleaned up. We sat down for a late dinner while watching Annuar Zain singing "Januari" on TV3 at the Sure Heboh concert. The crowd there was estatic, and so were we, all warm and dry, with bowls of steamy noodle soup, contented and finally able to relax...

I want to shout

2005-12-08T07:46:00.000+08:00

I want to shout. I want to scream. I want the entire world to sit up and listen. I have something to say. I have something to put out there. I want to make a difference. I do not want to blend. I am different. I do not conform. I am unique. I am special. I am not complacent. I will not accept injustice as the norm. I will be the catalyst to change. I will be innovative. I will have a voice. People will listen to me. I am fresh. I have ideas. I have vision. I am an individual. I know better. I have the power to do anything I put my mind to. I am three years old and I rule the world.

Those are the words spoken (or implied) by my son. Such passion. Such conviction. Something I wish I had. Ironically, according to my parents, my son is exactly the way I was when I was 3. Nothing scared me (well, maybe a big, big crawling cockroach) and the world was at my feet.

I remember jumping at the chance to try something new, to jump off the highest cupboard in the house just to make sure my mum was right and humans can’t fly. I would get scratches and bumps and my mum warned me that I would grow up to be ugly, all scratchy and bumpy, but I didn’t care. I was not afraid. I made the rules.

Then, I grew up and suddenly, there are restrictions, there are rules, there are precedence and protocol. Suddenly, I knew more and supposedly knew better. I was more subdued, more serious, more………..boring.

I look at my son and I see freedom and creativity. He knows not how things work, so he thinks up of bizarre reasons for why the moon follows him in the car. His reasoning are most often inaccurate but creative nonetheless.

I believe human beings are born with the innate sense of creativity and curiosity. We face life’s greatest challenges in the first few years of our lives. Learning to speak, learning to walk, and even learning to use our hands. How quickly we forget.

When I was younger, all I wanted to be was an adult. It seemed, at the time, that adults had all the fun and could drive cars and do anything without having to take naps in between. I could not wait until there were stilettos in my size. I never understood why my parents kept telling me to enjoy being a kid.

But that is exactly what I tell my son now. We, as adults realize that life is so very fleeting and if you do not pay attention to the moment, it will just past you by.

Now that he is three, I love to just sit quietly and watch him play. He can drive me up the wall a lot of the time and tests my patience more times than I would like to remember, but he is the one that keeps me smiling. He reminds me to not cry over spilt milk (especially because he deliberately spills the milk a lot of the time) and regardless of how bad the day had been at work, getting a hug and a "Good night, mummy. Sleep tight, now" is heaven.

I have learned to learn from my son. He has taught me a great deal. Because of him, I now understand my parents so much more, especially my mother. I have learned to appreciate all that they have done for me. I have learned to be more patient with the people around me. I definitely learned to not sweat the small stuff. So what if he got ice cream on his brand-spanking new pants and we were just about to leave the house? So what if he pees all over my jeans because he drank too much juice at the birthday party and couldn’t make it to the washroom in time? So what if he takes one of my favorite books and drew flowers all over the words because he thought it would make the book more "colorful"? So what if he takes FOREVER to jump into the tub for his shower? Soon, very, very soon, he is going to grow up and you will miss all the things that are currently exasperating you.

My son has taught me to live my life better. His questions constantly make me reevaluate the things around me that as an adult, I have taken for granted. To ensure I raise a good human being, I must first be a good human being. My standards have tremendously increased because I want my son to have high standards. He has taught me to be a better person.

My family is laughing more with the addition of children in our midst, my son and my brother’s daughter. We share stories of their antics over dinner. My father, who has NEVER bathed any of his children, much less change any of our diapers, did all those things for his two grandchildren.

I believe that in this new technology-driven world, where the pursuit of material wealth is high on everyone’s list and the preoccupation with status and power is rampant, we all have to step back and take a deep breath. Do you notice how fast time seems to be moving? Like there are just not enough hours in a day to do all that needs to get done? Stop!

Cherish the moment. Indulge in decadent activities. Enjoy the now…..

When you thought I wasn't looking

2005-12-08T05:39:00.000+08:00

- Written by a former child -

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake for me
and I learned that little things can be special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer,
and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,
and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing
and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it
and I earned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw how you handled your responsibilities even when you didn't feel good
and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw
when you thought I wasn't looking."

Harith

2005-12-07T18:50:00.000+08:00

Harith at Diya's first birthday..

Harith at a little over two weeks...

Harith and one of his first set of wheels...

Harith at two weeks old....

Harith after a good, long nap....

There goes my life.....

2005-12-07T10:40:00.000+08:00

All he could think about was
I'm too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell I'm just a kid myself
How'm I gonna raise one

All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone

And he said,

There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
Might as well kiss it all good-bye
There goes my life.......

couple years of up all night
and a few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator
Oh yeah..........he loves that little girl

Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls

He smiles.....

There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you, daddy good-night
There goes my life.....

She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express
He checked the oil and slammed the hood,
said you're good to go
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast

And he cried,

There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you
Baby good-bye....

There goes my life
There goes my life
Baby good-bye.....

Kenny Chesney

Cherish those precious moments you have with your children.....they are so very fleeting....

Yummy, yummy...O2 Xda Atom!

2005-12-07T09:21:00.000+08:00

The moment we saw the picture, there were ooohs and ahhs coming out from the bunch of people crammed in my tiny cubicle at the office. We heard about the launch of the Atom by O2 recently in Kuala Lumpur and we were curious to see how it looked.

I have been using the O2 Mini for a while now and I do have one or two complaints about it but....lo & behold, all the things I had hoped was in my Mini is now in the Atom.....okay people....who wants my Mini.....I need to cash to buy the Atom!

Here's an excerpt from CNET Asia Review:

According to Mark Billington, CEO of O2 Asia Pacific: "The Xda Atom offers all the latest digital innovations in a truly sexy form factor. It is exclusive to the O2 brand, carries our unique O2 signature and meets the promise to our customers."

Upside: By integrating wireless LAN in the Atom, O2 has finally resolved one of the biggest complaints from Xda II mini owners--the lack of onboard Wi-Fi. Previously, mini users had to buy an additional SDIO Wi-Fi card which took up precious SD expansion slot space in order to enjoy wireless connectivity.

At the heart of the Atom is the same Intel 416MHz processor used in the mini, but the onboard flash ROM has been increased to 128MB. O2 has also enhanced the camera resolution from the mini's 1.3 megapixels to 2 megapixels, and added a built-in LED flash, FM tuner, 2.7-inch 262K-color QVGA display and Windows Media Player 10 application. To top it all, the Atom will come with O2 MediaPlus which gives users a convenient one-interface access to music, photos and videos on the handheld.

For all the bells and whistles, O2 has somehow managed to pack the new features into a tiny 102 x 58 x 18.5mm form factor, which is 6mm shorter in length, though 0.4mm thicker, than the Xda II mini. The UK firm has also kept the design simple and clean, just like the mini. In line with its recent launch of the black mini, the Atom will also be available in a piano-black finish, which has already proven to be popular with both male and female users.

For those concerned about the battery life of the Atom, O2 has promised that it will be better than its predecessor. Based on the specs given, the Atom is expected to last for 150 hours in standby and 5.5 hours of talktime.

Downside: The compact size of the Atom is not without its tradeoffs. Besides a slightly smaller screen (2.7-inch versus the mini's 2.8-inch), the PDA-phone now comes with a miniSD slot instead of a regular SD card option. This means storage capacities will be limited and many of the current SDIO devices cannot be used on the Atom. We were also surprised that the Intel 416MHz chip remains unchanged since the enhanced multimedia features are likely to add to the processing load on the device.

Like the mini, the new O2 handheld comes with triband and not the quadband GSM support found on many PDA-phones these days. This is, however, unlikely to affect most frequent travelers.

Outlook: Based on the popularity of the Xda II mini and the number of clicks generated on the CNET Asia site over the last two months, the Atom certainly looks very promising not just for its smaller size and improved onboard features but most importantly, for the inclusion of Wi-Fi.

The Greatest Trip on Earth

2005-12-06T07:50:00.000+08:00

InsyaAllah, I will be taking the trip of a lifetime on the last day of 2005....a moment I never thought would come so soon. People around me raised their eyebrows when they hear of my upcoming trip...alone?....why now?....

Why not? As the day dawns closer, I can't seem to contain my excitement......and anxiety. I hear the stories from people who have been there before me and I am in awe. My parents were just there for their second time last year and they loved it...

I often ask myself.....Am I ready? Will I be able to fulfill all that I am supposed to? Have I embraced the true meaning of this pilgrimage?....

For once, I am completely at a lost for words...

Below are words from Dr Ali Shariati, which I found very inspiring:...

Life today (not life as it should be carried on) is an idle cyclical action a movement with no goal! A meaningless pendular action starts with the day only to end at night and night starts only to disappear at dawn. In the mean time, man is busy watching the play of these black and white "rats" who chew the strings of our life until we die.

Life (as we live it) is like a theater. Man watches these aimless nights and days. Indeed, what foolish play is conducted! When you are in need, you hope and struggle to overcome your needs. Yet once you achieve this, you view your past efforts humorously. What a senseless philosophy to live by!

Living on a day to day basis, the person lacks direction. His aim is only to live. What exists is a dead spirit in a living body. However, the Hajj experience alters this unhealthy condition!

Once you decide to perform Hajj and take the necessary steps, you are on the road to the actualization of Hajj. Before going to Hajj you reside in your home calm and reposed. Upon entering the state of mind for Hajj, you arise and move away from your routine environment.
Hajj is the antithesis of aimlessness. It is the rebellion against a damned fate guided by evil forces. The fulfillment of Hajj will enable you to escape from the complex network of puzzles. This revolutionary act will reveal to you the clear horizon and free way to migration to eternity toward the Almighty Allah.

With the passage of time and the influence of various forces of the social system which disregard human rights and duties, your character has been changed. The vicissitudes of life have affected you to the degree that you became alienated and neglectful. Originally, with Allah's spirit in your heart, you were supposed to shoulder the responsibility of being Allah's trustee on earth. You were granted time as a means for fulfilling this task but you failed because the gift was used carelessly!

This is what is called life! But realistically speaking what has been accomplished? What constructive contributions have you made? What have you gained? So many precious years have been lost, yet who are you?

Oh trustee and vicegerent of Allah on earth, you have turned to money, sex, greed, aggression, and dishonesty. You have regressed to the inferior status that you occupied before almighty Allah blew His spirit into you. Where is the spirit of Allah now? Oh man, rise out of this decadent situation! Divorce yourself from this gradual death.

Leave your surroundings and go to the pure land. There you may face Almighty Allah under the inspiring sky of Mashar. The estrangement which you have experienced will be overcome. At last, you will find yourself!

Are we there yet??

2005-12-05T14:05:00.000+08:00

I love my son more than anything in the whole wide world........but he is impossible!!! 3 days with him full time already has me climbing up walls. I salute stay-at-home mothers who are able to handle 4 or more kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I really don't know how they do it.

I took last Friday off to spend a long weekend with my 3-year-old son Harith. It felt soooo much longer than 3 days. We decided not to do anything on Friday since he had music class that evening (which I have to sit in, as well), so I didn't want to tire him out.

So, we spent the whole day at home watching the cartoon channel on Astro. I had to narrate every single action made by the cartoons and provide justifications for why the cartoons were behaving the way they did.

And then it was 6 pm, time for his shower. It took me 15 minutes just to convince him to step into the bathroom and take off his clothes and another 10 minutes to cajole him into the bathtub. First, the water was too cold, then too hot, then too strong and finally not strong enough. The soap smelled funny and there wasn't enough bubbles to cover his entire body...

Mind you, I also had to bath my 3-year-old niece, Diya, who wanted to use grown-up soap because it smelled better.

I finally got them dressed and went to take a shower. Just as I stepped into the shower, the two kids started knocking on my bathroom door, asking questions I can't even make out, insisting for immediate answers. They could not, would not wait till I finished taking a shower...

When everyone was finally ready and my sister-in-law came back from work, we headed out to the mall where the class was to have an early dinner. The kids, of course, wanted McDonalds but were vetoed by the adults and we ended up at Kenny Rogers. They each ordered an ice-cream sundae, had two spoonfuls and declared they were done. Half of the ice-cream was on the table and the other half on their shirts. Go figure....

The music class, fortunately went smoothly. We still had to stop at McDonalds because they just had to, mum, just had to go down the slide once....which became another 15 minutes...

We finally got them home, after a stop at Baskin Robbins, got them cleaned up and ready for bed. Harith declared he wasn't sleepy and proceeded downstairs to play with his rabbit. When I finally got him to bed, it took another 20 minutes to get him to fall asleep.....I was so tired, I forgot to put his diapers on......he woke me at 3 am and declared that there was a flood. Changed him, warded off one end of the bed so we both had to squeeze into the only tiny space that wasn't wet...I fell off the bed at least 5 times.....

Saturday was Harith's day out with his father, so I had at least 5 hours to myself. Once he got home, I had to put him down for his nap. A battle of wills erupted which lasted for a whole hour and ended abruptly when he accidently fell asleep, in the middle of telling me how unfair and unreasonable I was being to him.

Since he got to bed late, he was cranky when he woke up. I ordered pizza for dinner and he refused to get out of bed. Not only that, he wouldn't let me out of bed either. He refused to shower and kept comparing me to a mean dictator...

That night he forgave me and we fell asleep peacefully.....he was probably tired from all the arguing...

Sunday came......family breakfast time. We were going to take the kids to Midvalley Megamall after breakfast so we had to hurry coz the mall gets really packed after 11 am.

We managed to get to the mall early......and Harith insisted on Toys r Us....I said we had to get a couple of other things first before we can go to Toys r Us. He started to sulk. Diya insisted on being carried (she's at least 15 kg). We stopped to get swimming suits for the mothers since now we no longer wear the skimpy ones, what with the hijab and all....Harith started fuming so I took him to the nearby toy department. It was just my luck that there was a tiny amusement center right smack in the middle of the toy department. Another short battle on whether or not he can go on the rides ensued and I relented.

Right after, he wanted to go straight home. I still had several items to purchase, but NO. Harith wanted to go home, so by hook or by crook, mummy must take him HOME! No negotiations....

So, we had to prematurely end our shopping trip and head home. Harith, again, refuses to take a nap, threw a tantrum and decided to run away from home....

I eventually got him to bed with the promise of taking him swimming later if he was a good boy and took a nap....

Swimming was a cinch but getting him out of the pool is another story......need I say more?

When we got home, my parents were just arriving home from their weekend trip and were excited to spend time with the kids......what a relief!

Oh, dear....throughout the entire weekend, I kept telling myself, ENJOY IT, damn it.....the kids are growing up soo fast and before you know it, the sound of laughter......well.......screaming will become something you can only reminisce about.....

You're Beautiful

2005-12-05T07:31:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant, My love is pure,
I saw an angel, Of that I'm sure,
Shw smiled at me on the subway,
She was with another man,
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan,

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don't know what to do

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye, As she walked on by,
She could see from my face that I was flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you
But it's time to face the truth
I will never be with you

James Blunt

Love lost

2005-12-02T08:32:00.000+08:00

I was at a funeral today. One of the senior managers from my office had passed away early this morning after a valiant battle with cancer. He was Tuan Haji Baharuddin Abdullah, former Vice President of Network Development, TM.

The first time I met him, I was conducting a training for senior managers on the new performance management system to be implemented company wide. The performance management system was never really very popular with the staff and that particular day was no different. Most of the participants threw cynical and sarcastic questions my way, which I was getting used to, having conducted many such sessions prior. But arwah Tuan Haji's approach differed from his colleagues. I remembered his style because he was neither confrontational, which most of them were, nor was he overly friendly. He was courteous and asked relevant and supportive questions. I remembered him as a very diplomatic and soft-spoken man.

The next time I had an encounter with him was when I managed payroll for senior and top management of TM. He was already sick at the time. He was still as diplomatic and soft-spoken as ever. He was undergoing chemotherapy and was very weak. He was leaving the Company and we were going through the various arrangements and last minute administrative details. It was heart-wrenching to listen to him talk about how he needs to settle any pending issues, especially any debts he had because he didn't want to burden his family if something were to happen to him. His face was ashened, he lost a lot of weight and there wasn't a single hair on his head, but when he mentioned his wife and family, his eyes still sparkled.

I saw his wife today, heartbroken and devastated. His children were trying to rally together and stay strong. Tears seemed to flow freely, even among the visitors. People were just overwhelmed by the sadness emanating from the family.

I was told that the loneliness doesn't really sink in until a day or two after the funeral and you're trying to go on with your life when the sadness suddenly hits. You look around for comfort and only find silence. The lost of a loved one feels like part of you is dead too and no amount of consoling can take away the pain and sorrow.

My condolences to the wife and family of Tuan Haji Baharuddin Abdullah. May Allah bless his soul and may his children make him proud and include him in their prayers...

The irony of life

2005-11-30T09:17:00.000+08:00

I was going through a heart-wrenching divorce a couple of years ago and I've never been the same ever since. My convictions, beliefs and comprehension of life were all challenged and questioned. I lost a whole chunk of my self-confidence as a result, constantly second-guessing myself in all the decisions I make, down to the clothes I was going to wear that day.

After two years, I can safely say that I've somewhat recovered, having survived the worse and still hanging on. I suppose the credit should go to my supportive family, especially my adorable son and mother. Without them, I don't think I would've made it through. Ironically, my disastrous marriage was my attempt to be the good daughter and marry the man of my family's choice.

Clearly, not having a solid basis and strong understanding for a person's character and idiosyncracies are definitely BAD signs.

In retrospect, I supposed things could have gone differently but as fate has it, here I am, a single mother of a three-year-old boy, contemplating the future....

I find myself very fickle of late. I would wake up one day and decide that I should get off my butt and out of this rut and start looking for new friends and new acquaintances....who knows, it might lead to something special....

But most of the time, I'm contented with my current situation where my heart is intact and not out there for someone to tear it up again. In the society we live in, a divorced mother of a boy doesn't really sit well with most prospective mother-in-laws. So why go through the hassle and heartache of meeting someone, getting to know them, falling in love, then get shut down by their family for having a past that's not 'perfect' ? Sometimes, it is not even the family. The guy himself will say something like, " You're great and everything and I would love to get to know you better but my mum can be difficult and I hate to see you go through that." Bah! What a waste of my precious time, right?

But there's always that nuisance of a romantic inside me that tries it's hardest to convince me that there is that 'special' someone out there. I just have to be patient. With life's sick humour and neverending irony, this special guy will probably be happily married with four kids!

Sigh! C'est la vie......hold up! My mum says we should never sigh.....it'll make us grow old faster....you believe that? If it's true, I probably look 50 right about now with all the sighing I've done in the last two years.....

Early Sunday morning...

2005-11-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

People tend to sleep in on Sundays but I've always been a morning person. I suppose my family inculcated that. They make it a point to have family breakfast every Sunday at 9 am. My brothers use to groan and whine, especially after a late night out in the town, but now that we're all grown up....we really appreciate the time spent together. With everyone's tight schedules and busy life during the week, it's just absolutely lovely to sit under a tree, relishing a roti canai and catching up on the week's event.

It's 7 am now and the house is still quiet.........but not for long though....