One day at a time....

I am feeling very sad all of a sudden. I get this feeling now and then but I'm usually able to shake it off in a few hours. But this time around, it has been going on for 3 whole days.

I felt it for a while after returning from Hajj, a displaced feeling. I was home but home felt different. I was surrounded by people I love but a sense of loss was overwhelming me. I was missing Makkah so much. I tried to recapture the peace I felt while I was there. I eventually settled down and realized that all I needed to do was to pray or to read the Quran and I would feel closer to God. The peace returned and life went on.

But last Sunday, I took my son to a birthday party. My friend's son just turned 3. I've known this friend of mine for almost 15 years. We were in school together. The party was sort of a mini reunion because she invited some of our old schoolmates as well. They all came with their husbands and their kids........I came with Harith....

I tried not to let things like that get to me....but this time around......it got to me. I saw the way Harith looked at the other kids playing with both their parents and I felt a tugging on my heart. I would give an arm and a leg to make sure my son is happy...and I would try and get him the moon if he asked for it.......but I cannot give him a set of parents, which I think he secretly craves....

I would get back together with his father in a second if I thought it was the right thing to do......but I've done a lot of soul-searching and unfortunately, that is no longer an option. That ship has sailed....

So, here I am, three days later, still not able to solve this problem. I thought if I laid everything down and looked at the facts, I may be able to sort things out....

I suppose this will not be something I can solve overnight. I need to make Harith understand that our situation is not that bad. He actually gets to spend every other weekend with his father and fortunately, his father is very keen to be involved in Harith's life. So that part's good.

I hope this overwhelming feeling will subside soon. I'll take each day as it comes. The birthday party was not a really good day, but here's what I am grateful for that day:

1. That I got to meet up with old friends and reminisce old times.

2. That I got to see how the other kids Harith's age behave and made me realize that Harith's tantrums and occasional antics are not uncommon at all.

3. That I have a wonderful son who I can take to cute little birthday parties.

I'm sure Harith and I will get through this..........one day at a time......