Islam and me

I was born into Islam. I was lucky enough to have Muslim parents. I definitely took being a Muslim for granted. Just because you were born a Muslim doesn't make you a Muslim. Of that I am certain.

Growing up, Islam was always a part of my life, but more in the background. I learned the 5 prayers when I was seven but didn't really understand the significance of them. I went for Quran reading classes at a really early age, but since my Ustazah kept falling asleep while teaching, my mind was more on the playground than the Quranic verses.

Islam in the 80s was not as prominent as it is today. Public schools then were not really proponents of the faith. Religious class was a class muslim students were obligated to take but no real emphasis was ever given to the true significance of Islam.

I consider myself lucky that I made the decision to go to boarding school when I was 16. The reason was definitely not to delve deeper into Islam, but more for independence purposes. Being the only daughter, I wanted to venture out on my own and away from the protective cocoon my parents created for me.

To my utter amazement, Islam was not a mere class at boarding school, it was a way of life. Every facet of your everyday life is Islam. From the instant you wake up until you go to sleep, Allah is never far from your mind. I learned so much....not from the teachers.....but from the other students. They were the greatest teachers because they do not preach. They also do not look down on you. They teach by example and by having me join them. Religion is not spoken in a formal setting, but more after a good game of netball, or during a walk by the beautiful lake or even late at night, right before we all fell asleep.

I had finally found my faith. I had finally found my true religion. And at the ripe old age of 16 to boot. Oh, well, better late than never.....

One day at a time....

I am feeling very sad all of a sudden. I get this feeling now and then but I'm usually able to shake it off in a few hours. But this time around, it has been going on for 3 whole days.

I felt it for a while after returning from Hajj, a displaced feeling. I was home but home felt different. I was surrounded by people I love but a sense of loss was overwhelming me. I was missing Makkah so much. I tried to recapture the peace I felt while I was there. I eventually settled down and realized that all I needed to do was to pray or to read the Quran and I would feel closer to God. The peace returned and life went on.

But last Sunday, I took my son to a birthday party. My friend's son just turned 3. I've known this friend of mine for almost 15 years. We were in school together. The party was sort of a mini reunion because she invited some of our old schoolmates as well. They all came with their husbands and their kids........I came with Harith....

I tried not to let things like that get to me....but this time around......it got to me. I saw the way Harith looked at the other kids playing with both their parents and I felt a tugging on my heart. I would give an arm and a leg to make sure my son is happy...and I would try and get him the moon if he asked for it.......but I cannot give him a set of parents, which I think he secretly craves....

I would get back together with his father in a second if I thought it was the right thing to do......but I've done a lot of soul-searching and unfortunately, that is no longer an option. That ship has sailed....

So, here I am, three days later, still not able to solve this problem. I thought if I laid everything down and looked at the facts, I may be able to sort things out....

I suppose this will not be something I can solve overnight. I need to make Harith understand that our situation is not that bad. He actually gets to spend every other weekend with his father and fortunately, his father is very keen to be involved in Harith's life. So that part's good.

I hope this overwhelming feeling will subside soon. I'll take each day as it comes. The birthday party was not a really good day, but here's what I am grateful for that day:

1. That I got to meet up with old friends and reminisce old times.

2. That I got to see how the other kids Harith's age behave and made me realize that Harith's tantrums and occasional antics are not uncommon at all.

3. That I have a wonderful son who I can take to cute little birthday parties.

I'm sure Harith and I will get through this..........one day at a time......

Pictures from Hajj